In a feeble attempt to stave off the end of the world, Pocket Books has procured the rights to Paul is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion. My raucous music/horror mash-up will be available in June of 2010…assuming that the zombified Fab Four don’t destroy mankind first.
Our story begins on October 9, 1840, in the Liverpool, England. An African nzambi hides in the town’s newly-built sewer system, only to reemerge exactly one century later at the Liverpool Maternity Hospital, in the room of Julia Lennon. The hungry nzambi takes a chomp from Julia’s newborn’s neck, and John Lennon is undead, a zombie with otherworldly powers, who will roam the Earth for eternity.
In 1957, John, now a burgeoning singer and guitarist, meets Paul McCartney, a Liverpudlian with musical dreams of his own. Sensing a kindred spirit, John bites off Paul’s ear and sucks out his mate’s grey matter, after which he spits a healthy amount of his own brain into Paul’s carotid artery—and thus is born the greatest songwriting team in rock history. John and Paul zombify local guitarist George Harrison, then welcome seventh level Ninja Lord Ringo Starr into the fold.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Beatles.
The lovable moptops murder then reanimate thousands of fans at the Cavern Club, simultaneously enslaving hundreds of lusty teenage girls. They invade the United States, mind-melding millions during an appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. They engage in an epic battle with rival band and notorious zombie hunters the Rolling Stones. They release album after album with hidden messages: Please please me by biting your young…Dear sir or madam, won’t you eat your neighbor…All you need is eternal life…
And before you know it, zombies are fookin’ everywhere.
Come 1968, the Beatles world begins to crumble. Experiments with illegal drugs melt the boys’ brains. John begins dating an eighth-level Ninja Lord named Yoko Ono, who imagines all the people dying for today. And worst of all, a band called the Zombies—whose members are not actually zombies—seeks revenge on the Fab Four. All of which begs the question, can the three undead lads and the one Ninja stay unified and conquer the world?
Nah. They break up, make a bunch of crappy solo albums, and fade into oblivion. But come 2010, with John, Paul, George, and Ringo all impoverished and bored silly, we hear whispers of a reunion. Sure, George’s fingers keep falling off, but that won’t stop the Beatles from following their dreams of death and destruction.
For more information, write ZombieBeatles@cs.com
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