It’s after midnight and autumn is open for business: the skies are clear, the stars are twinkling, the Illinois air is cool, and the fingernail moon is as fingernaily as can be. We see Abbey Bynum staring at the top of the ancient oak tree in front of her bland suburban Chicago condo building, an oak tree that’s too big and dignified for her cookie-cutter, pre-fab neighborhood. The light from the twinkly stars, the fingernaily moon, and the seven too-bright streetlights that dot Abbey’s block bring the oak’s leaves to life: yellows and reds, browns and oranges. The tree looks crisp and pretty, and from Abbey’s angle, those leaves – which are further changing colors as we speak – look as if they were painted on by Monet. Or maybe Manet. No, Monet. Or maybe Manet. Even though she takes a pass through the Art Institute of Chicago at least once a month, Abbey always forgets which is which. All she knows – and cares about – is that it’s pretty.
The breeze blows a chunk of her barely tamed curly brown ringlets into her eyes. She tries to flick them offher forehead, but the wind in her face is too strong, so they just flop right on back. Abbey again kicks herself for not grabbing a hair tie or a scrunchy, and again wonders why she never properly prepares for her silly late-night jaunts. But she realizes that that’s a ridiculous thought, because the fact of the matter is, she knows exactly why she never properly prepares for these silly late-night jaunts: you see, for Abbey, these silly late-night jaunts aren’t a choice. They’re a compulsion. When she has to do it, she has to do it, and when Abbey Bynum has to do something, she goes and does it immediately. She can’t help it; it’s always been that way and she’s certain it always will be that way.
Planning isn’t in the equation, and unfortunately, without planning, there are consequences. In this case, the consequence is a small one, a mere case of hair-in- the-eyes. It’s not a complete buzzkill, like, say, a bird pooping on her shoulder, or a low-flying private airplane (both of which happened in the not-to-distant past), but it’s annoying, nonetheless. Way worse things could happen, though. Way worse things have happened. One night, for instance, the compulsion to leave her apart- ment was so intense that she forgot to put on her pants, and zipped through the neighborhood wearing only a strappy tank top with a teddy bear on the front and an ancient pair of light-blue panties.
Using her left hand, Abbey again pushes her hair out of her face and holds it flat against the top of her head. The problem with this tactic is that now Abbey relies solely on her right hand for balance. Using one hand to navigate isn’t an issue when she’s in motion, but when she’s trying to stay somewhat still, when she’s trying to hover in a single area, as is the case right now, two hands are way better than one. She’s wobbling, and even though she knows she’s in no danger of falling, it diminishes the experience, nonetheless.
She’s well aware that if she practiced her one-handed balancing on a regular basis – scratch that, if she practiced her one-handed balancing at all – this would cease to be an issue. Thing is, she hates practicing it. Thing is, she hates doing it at all. But when this com- pulsion rears its head – when she has to breathe the night air at its cleanest, when she has to see the trees from above, when she has to go where nobody can find her – her body goes up to the roof of her apartment building and jumps right on off, despite her brain’s and heart’s numerous protests.
She wants to stop it. Badly. But, goddamnit, she can’t. She just can’t.
+++++
If you saw Abbey Bynum on the Illinois Metra train – which, if you’re so inclined, is something you can do each weekday morning at precisely 8.14 a.m. – you’d check out her smart business outfit, and the oversized aviator sunglasses that she’s had since her freshman year at Northwestern University, and that shaggy mop of hair, and think, ‘Now that’s an attractive, well-put-together girl. Looks like she doesn’t have much money for the latest outfits or fancy jewelry, or whatnot, but she sure makes what she has work.’ When she takes off her huge shades and fumbles with her iPod, you might smile at how intently and intensely she scrolls through the menu, trying to figure out the perfect mix for her train ride to the office, trying to decide whether Miles Davis, or Arcade Fire, or A Tribe Called Quest will get her jazzed for the workday.
You’d also notice one thing that Abbey Bynum doesn’t: at least once a ride, Abbey Bynum gets checked out. Big time.
If she happened to catch the young gentleman leaning on the train door giving her a well-justified once- over – the young gentleman wearing the vintage blue Pulp T-shirt and the baggy khaki shorts, the young gentleman whom Abbey would unfairly dismiss as potential boyfriend material because she used to date a guy who looked almost exactly like that, and he was a massive jerk – she’d probably turn away, blush, and forget about it several seconds later. See, Abbey doesn’t like being checked out. Not because she’s self-conscious about her looks (she knows her place in the beauty pantheon; a couple dozen miles South of Angelina Jolie, and a few hundred miles North of Betty White), but because there’s the chance that somebody will see her for who she is, that they’ll notice the Weird Stuff.
This, of course, is a ridiculous thought – nobody could see Weird Stuff, unless she showed them the Weird Stuff – but it’s a thought she can’t help but think.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
An excerpt from NO ORDINARY GIRL: A NOVEL, available 11/25.
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 11/21/2010 10:24:00 PM 0 comments
Sunday, July 18, 2010
"PAUL IS UNDEAD" DELETED SCENE - MORE FUN WITH LUCIFER
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 7/18/2010 02:57:00 AM 1 comments
Friday, July 9, 2010
VIDEOS, VIDEOS, VIDEOS
Here's a whole bunch of Alan videos. Some are badass professional, and some are kinda shaky, but still cool. Enjoy!
Guerrilla readings in NYC
Interview @ Pen American Center
Chicago release party #1
Chicago release party #2
Chicago release party #3
Chicago release party #4
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 7/09/2010 10:07:00 AM 0 comments
Saturday, July 3, 2010
"PAUL IS UNDEAD" deleted scene # 1 - Macca & Big Ben
He said, “I’m gonna jump off the top of Big Ben. You have forty-eight hours. Make it happen.”
Paul gave me a strange grin, put his hand on my shoulder, then said, “Neil, sometimes a beginning can be an end, and an end can be a beginning. I have to do this.”
It wasn’t worth fighting him about it, so I said, “Okay, Paulie, you do what you have to do. It’s your funereal.”
He said, “No, Neil. It’s not. It’s not my funereal.”
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 7/03/2010 07:34:00 AM 0 comments
Saturday, June 26, 2010
I LOVE A PARADE
The fine folks at Parade.com named Paul is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion one of its Top Summer Reads, calling it, "...bloody brilliant." Woo-hoo!
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 6/26/2010 11:02:00 AM 0 comments
Friday, June 18, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
LOOOONG EXCERPT FROM "PAUL IS UNDEAD"
Check out this big ol' excerpt of my forthcoming Beatles/horror/comedy remix novel "Paul is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion," courtesy of Simon & Schuster.
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 6/14/2010 11:20:00 AM 1 comments
Monday, May 24, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
ME ON THE BEEB
On May 14, I chatted with BBC Radio World Update about Paul Is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion. Check it out here...
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 5/14/2010 07:35:00 AM 0 comments
Monday, May 10, 2010
STARRED REVIEW FOR "PAUL IS UNDEAD" IN PUBLISHERS WEEKLY
Are readers ready for a world in which the Beatles just wanna eat your brains? Goldsher (Hard Bop Academy) thinks so, and he may be right. In this humor-filled splatterfest, the rise and fall of the zombie Beatles unfolds through eyewitness accounts, newspaper clippings, and interviews. Violence and music go hand-in-hand as the zombiefied Lennon, Harrison, and McCartney fight, eat, and rock their way to fame and popularity while ninja lord Ringo Starr tries to keep them out of trouble. Nothing can stop them--not even a vampiric Pete Best, zombie-killing Mick Jagger, rival ninja Yoko Ono, or bad reviews. In fact, their only enemies may be one another, as personal conflicts threaten to break them up for good. Roughly paralleling the real-world career of the Beatles, this alternate history reimagines successes, failures, and rivalries with over-the-top bizarro charm.
YAY!
(P.S. - The "yay" wasn't part of the review. That was some editorial commentary on my part.)
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 5/10/2010 05:28:00 AM 0 comments
Thursday, May 6, 2010
PEOPLE ARE SAYING NICE STUFF 'BOUT MY BOOK
The reviews for my forthcoming Beatles/zombie/comedy mash-up PAUL IS UNDEAD: THE BRITISH ZOMBIE INVASION have started trickling in, and so far, so good:
KIRKUS REVIEWS: "We’ve endured a flood of vampire books for the past few years, so it may be time to give zombies a chance to work their literary magic. Prolific ghostwriter and music journalist Goldsher makes a reasonable case in this entertaining novel. Goldsher turns in a classic rags-to-riches tale of aspiration and success that would do Horatio Alger proud, punctuated by no end of gore."
BOOKLIST: "The horror mash-up publishing craze is still spreading like a plague, and while some of the most popular products seem like easy ways to digest the classics, this clever take on the subgenre will bring music nerds into its fandom."
Hopefully, that's just a start. PAUL IS UNDEAD will be in stores on June 22. Spread the word. And the blood.
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 5/06/2010 06:46:00 PM 1 comments
Thursday, March 25, 2010
AN EXCERPT FROM "PAUL IS UNDEAD: THE BRITISH ZOMBIE INVASION:
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 3/25/2010 12:56:00 PM 2 comments
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
"PAUL IS UNDEAD" GOES TO THE MOVIES, PT. 2
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 3/16/2010 05:36:00 PM 0 comments
Friday, January 29, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
TO BUY ANY OR ALL OF MY BOOKS...
...Please click here, and read your tushie off.
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 1/23/2010 07:18:00 AM 0 comments
"PAUL IS UNDEAD" GOES TO THE MOVIES
None of y'all have read Paul is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion because, well, it's not out yet. But thanks to this really nice article in Entertainment Weekly...
...some Hollywood-types have come a'calling, which is crazy exciting. A couple have asked how I envision the movie looking. One word: "META." That'll make total sense when you read the book, which you can pre-order here.
Oh, P.S. - I've gotten some emails to the effect of, "Dude, when can I read this damn thing?" Once I get the okay from the powers-that-be at Simon & Schuster, I'll be posting some excerpts from the book. Patience, my pretties, patience...
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 1/23/2010 07:15:00 AM 0 comments
Sunday, January 17, 2010
ADVANCE PRAISE FOR "PAUL IS UNDEAD: THE BRITISH ZOMBIE INVASION"
-Comedian Michael Ian Black, author of My Custom Van
"Paul is Undead brings the Beatles back to life...and now they want braaains. Brilliant and hilarious. Two decaying thumbs up."
"A wonderfully inventive blend of comedy, alternative history - and flesh-eating. A post-modern gothic classic."
"Investigative music journalist Alan Goldsher has ripped the moptops off the Fab Four, revealing the wormy underbelly of godless, noggin-gobbling Rock and Roll. Read it, or die."
-Larry Doyle, author of I Love You, Beth Cooper and Go, Mutants!
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 1/17/2010 10:25:00 PM 0 comments
Friday, January 15, 2010
ABOUT "PAUL IS UNDEAD: THE BRITISH ZOMBIE INVASION"
It’s October 9, 1940, and an undead man haunts the underground sewers of Liverpool, England. Starving and covered with filth, the lone zombie slithers out of a loo located on the ground floor of Liverpool Maternity Hospital. Shuffling from room to room, the hungry being tracks down his prey: a wailing infant whose ripe, fresh brain will fill the raging emptiness in his belly and soul.
That infant’s name? John Lennon.
Fast forward fifteen years, when zombie Lennon, now a burgeoning musician, meets, kills, and reanimates fellow Liverpudlian wannabe-rocker Paul McCartney, creating an unstoppable partnership, and moving one step closer to realizing his dream of global domination. After welcoming newly zombie’d guitarist George Harrison and drummer/Seventh Level Ninja Lord Ringo Starr into the fold, Lennon and McCartney’s band cuts a swath of bloody good music and bloody violent mayhem across Europe, stealing the hearts, minds, ears, and brains of their adoring audiences.
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to really meet the Beatles. In Paul is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion, Alan Goldsher’s horror/comedy/rock ‘n’ roll mash-up, we find out the whens, whats, and whys of how the zombified Fab Four took over the world.
After conquering the charts, the Liverpudlian quartet conquers America, all while managing to escape eternal death at the hands of zombie hunter Mick Jagger, an assassination attempt by the most potent Ninja hate group in the United States, and the violent affections of New York City’s most smitten undead girls. The band returns to Europe, where, after some unsuccessful drug experimentation—who knew that LSD caused zombie leprosy?—and the speedy dismemberment of spiritual guru Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Eighth Level Ninja Lord Yoko Ono enters the fray, and the band spins out of control.
Yes, the Beatles still want to take over the world, but can the lovable, horrifying moptops sublimate their own zombie nature, remain atop the charts, and stay together for all eternity? Nah: they go through a brutal break up, almost destroying Abbey Road Studios in the process. But is this breakup permanent? After all, three of the Fab Four are zombies, and zombies live forever…
Cited as “hilarious” by comedian Michael Ian Black, and “a post-modern gothic classic” by bestselling rock writer Mick Wall, Alan Goldsher’s Paul is Undead answers the question that has plagued Beatles fans and zombie aficionados for decades: How the heck could George Harrison have pulled off that solo on the bridge of “Nowhere Man” when his fingers kept falling off?
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 1/15/2010 10:49:00 AM 0 comments
Thursday, August 6, 2009
BECOME A FACEBOOK FAN OF "PAUL IS UNDEAD: THE BRITISH ZOMBIE INVASION"!!!
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 8/06/2009 06:50:00 AM 0 comments
Friday, July 31, 2009
"PAUL IS UNDEAD" is taking the U.K. by storm. Sort of...
England's The Guardian banged out a little piece about Paul is Undead. They pre-pub buzz is getting, um, loud-ish.
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 7/31/2009 11:10:00 AM 0 comments
Thursday, July 30, 2009
NEW YORK OBSERVER on "PAUL IS UNDEAD"
The fine folks at the New York Observer saw fit to write a nice little feature on "Paul is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion." Spread the word, and get out your barf bags...
Posted by Alan Goldsher at 7/30/2009 04:21:00 PM 0 comments